Well, there's that old adage, man makes plans and God laughs.
My best friend, my buddy, my dear and very cherished sister Neva passed away 3 days before Christmas.
And the following week, I came down with covid.
Which brings me to today. I'm sitting at my computer for the first time since my sister passed. I've been quite sick.
However, during the long sad hours during the days following my sister's death, I made plans in order to distract myself and keep myself sane. I based them on what I remembered going on about in this blog (from memory) and probably added some more. I embedded everything into my calendar, from scheduling time to take weekly food inventory to assist with meal planning, scheduling weekly time to plan my meals, time to shop, time to food prep, etc. I also worked out some bulk cooking recipes to do more than one at once, to then freeze into single servings so that I could take a variety of things to lunch and not get tired of them and order out.
I'm not typing very clearly right now. I've been in bed for a week, unable to breathe, roaring headache, drowning lungs. Today, I left the house for the first time since Dec 30 (when I got sick) and that was to go to the doctor.
These past couple of weeks have been the worst in my life. The worst. It was horrible to get so sick right after my sister passed. Well, getting sick wasn't as horrible as my sister passing. But it was almost as if the Universe said "Oh, you're gutted and sobbing on your knees because the unthinkable happened? Well, here, how about THIS?"
Anyway, somehow I'm still alive, still sitting up, the planet keeps revolving even though my vibrant, fun, idea-filled, and strong sister is no longer in it. Who'd have thought that could happen?
I'll be talking about my sister throughout this blog. I've decided to honour her life through my own. This will be a happy blog, I promise you. As you'll come to see, my sister had a lot of qualities that I did not have -- I did not need them, because she had them, if that makes sense. As long as one of us had them, the universe was complete. Oh, I suppose I have qualities she didn't have, but I'm still here and she's not. So the universe isn't missing my qualities. The universe is missing hers. And if the universe thinks it can just snuff out her life force and remove those qualities from existence, it has another thing coming. I'm going to be embracing those qualities on her behalf, so you can suck it, Universe. Those qualities you thought you could remove from existence are still here.
For example, Neva loved to be with people. She loved to participate. She loved to learn, to travel, to read, to listen.
Me, I've never been as social as she was. I didn't love to learn, but I suppose I've had a mild curiosity about things.
My sister had so many friends who loved her dearly that the line during visitation stretched out the door of the funeral home and around the block. People waited as long as 2 hours -- in the RAIN!! -- to come in and pay their respects.
It occurred to me that she kept the friends she made throughout her life, and continued to make new ones right up until she left us.
Me, I seem to have cycled through friends most of my life. I'm not really friends with people from high school or university. I make friends, we become good friends, and then life gets in the way and we drift apart, but I haven't missed them because I've made new friends.... who end up drifting away, because I've replaced them with more new friends.
I have some actual specific and actionable plans on addressing this.
She was also a style icon. Notice, I didn't say fashion icon. She was a style icon. When we looked through photos of her for a collage for her celebration of life, I was struck by how fabulous she looked all the time. I mean, I always knew this about her, and I always knew I wasn't nearly as fabulous as she was. But that was okay. I was always presentable enough, and she loved me for who I was. I dressed okay and always wore lipstick, what more do we need?
Anyway, I want to incorporate more Neva style into my life. I'm not trying to BE her, but I'll start wearing earrings more (Neva actually pierced my ears for me when we were teenagers), scarves more, necklaces, bracelets, etc. I hadn't realized how much Neva liked leopards print until I saw all the leopards print scarves, handbags, shoes, etc. in her closet. And I realized I'd seen them on her all these years and never really noticed it.
Here's the thing. I realized that seeing Neva looking fabulous brought me an unconscious pleasure. It was fun being around someone who was visually pleasing, elicited positive reactions from others, projected style and confidence. So, style isn't about showing off or trying to impress people. Style is about improving the lives of those around you.
Because that's what Neva was really about. This theme came up over and over and over. Someone referred to Neva as medicine because after spending time with her, you always felt better. Everyone wanted to be with her. She made each person feel like they were the most important person in her life at that moment. And part of that magnetism was the fact that she looked good, she sounded good, hell, she even smelled good.
And now my final point:
One issue Neva and I struggled with together was our weight. We both went up and down, but usually up. We both loved to eat. We loved to talk about food. We even cooked together upon occasion. I always thought I'd be fabulous if I could lose weight, but Neva seemed to pull it off anyway.
I feel like on some level, I didn't want to become thin and fabulous without Neva. I think I'm realizing that now. Being a bit on the heavy side was one of the many ways we bonded -- I know it sounds silly. We'd talk about our eating plans together, praise each other for successes, and encourage each other. But if I managed to lose a lot of weight and she didn't, I wouldn't have liked that. I know that's crazy.
Maybe now, I can lose this damned weight and get into some semblance of shape before I die. Maybe I can do it on both of our behalves, if that makes sense. If I incorporate some Neva into myself, then it's like both of us are doing this, finally.
A sort of analogy -- Neva was so excited, she had travel plans booked with a friend to go to Portugal and France in the spring. I spoke with that friend a few days after Neva passed -- we were at Neva's house, consoling ourselves with food and alcohol. I asked the friend if she could get a refund or find someone else to go with her. She said she was not going to do that. She was going on this trip by herself, and taking Neva with her in spirit. She didn't want to share the experience with anyone else. This was for her and Neva.
I thought that was quite beautiful.
And it is in this spirit that I'm going to embark upon my plans for fitness and fabulousness, with Neva.
I'm very tired now. This might be the longest I've sat upright for about a week.
