Sad update

Well, there's that old adage, man makes plans and God laughs.

My best friend, my buddy, my dear and very cherished sister Neva passed away 3 days before Christmas.

And the following week, I came down with covid.

Which brings me to today. I'm sitting at my computer for the first time since my sister passed. I've been quite sick. 

However, during the long sad hours during the days following my sister's death, I made plans in order to distract myself and keep myself sane. I based them on what I remembered going on about in this blog (from memory) and probably added some more. I embedded everything into my calendar, from scheduling time to take weekly food inventory to assist with meal planning, scheduling weekly time to plan my meals, time to shop, time to food prep, etc. I also worked out some bulk cooking recipes to do more than one at once, to then freeze into single servings so that I could take a variety of things to lunch and not get tired of them and order out.

I'm not typing very clearly right now. I've been in bed for a week, unable to breathe, roaring headache, drowning lungs. Today, I left the house for the first time since Dec 30 (when I got sick) and that was to go to the doctor.  

These past couple of weeks have been the worst in my life. The worst. It was horrible to get so sick right after my sister passed.  Well, getting sick wasn't as horrible as my sister passing. But it was almost as if the Universe said "Oh, you're gutted and sobbing on your knees because the unthinkable happened? Well, here, how about THIS?" 

Anyway, somehow I'm still alive, still sitting up, the planet keeps revolving even though my vibrant, fun, idea-filled, and strong sister is no longer in it. Who'd have thought that could happen? 

I'll be talking about my sister throughout this blog. I've decided to honour her life through my own. This will be a happy blog, I promise you. As you'll come to see, my sister had a lot of qualities that I did not have -- I did not need them, because she had them, if that makes sense. As long as one of us had them, the universe was complete. Oh, I suppose I have qualities she didn't have, but I'm still here and she's not. So the universe isn't missing my qualities. The universe is missing hers. And if the universe thinks it can just snuff out her life force and remove those qualities from existence, it has another thing coming. I'm going to be embracing those qualities on her behalf, so you can suck it, Universe. Those qualities  you thought you could remove from existence are still here.

For example, Neva loved to be with people. She loved to participate. She loved to learn, to travel, to read, to listen. 

Me, I've never been as social as she was. I didn't love to learn, but I suppose I've had a mild curiosity about things.

My sister had so many friends who loved her dearly that the line during visitation stretched out the door of the funeral home and around the block. People waited as long as 2 hours -- in the RAIN!! -- to come in and pay their respects.

It occurred to me that she kept the friends she made throughout her life, and continued to make new ones right up until she left us. 

Me, I seem to have cycled through friends most of my life. I'm not really friends with people from high school or university. I make friends, we become good friends, and then life gets in the way and we drift apart, but I haven't missed them because I've made new friends.... who end up drifting away, because I've replaced them with more new friends. 

I have some actual specific and actionable plans on addressing this.

She was also a style icon. Notice, I didn't say fashion icon. She was a style icon. When we looked through photos of her for a collage for her celebration of life, I was struck by how fabulous she looked all the time. I mean, I always knew this about her, and I always knew I wasn't nearly as fabulous as she was. But that was okay. I was always presentable enough, and she loved me for who I was. I dressed okay and always wore lipstick, what more do we need?

Anyway, I want to incorporate more Neva style into my life. I'm not trying to BE her, but I'll start wearing earrings more (Neva actually pierced my ears for me when we were teenagers), scarves more, necklaces, bracelets, etc. I hadn't realized how much Neva liked  leopards print until I saw all the leopards print scarves, handbags, shoes, etc. in her closet. And I realized I'd seen them on her all these years and never really noticed it. 

Here's the thing. I realized that seeing Neva looking fabulous brought me an unconscious pleasure. It was fun being around someone who was visually pleasing, elicited positive reactions from others, projected style and confidence. So, style isn't about showing off or trying to impress people. Style is about improving the lives of those around you.

Because that's what Neva was really about. This theme came up over and over and over. Someone referred to Neva as medicine because after spending time with her,  you always felt better. Everyone wanted to be with her. She made each person feel like they were the most important person in her life at that moment. And part of that magnetism was the fact that she looked good, she sounded good, hell, she even smelled good.

And now my final point:

One issue Neva and I struggled with together was our weight. We both went up and down, but usually up. We both loved to eat. We loved to talk about food. We even cooked together upon occasion. I always thought I'd be fabulous if I could lose weight, but Neva seemed to pull it off anyway.          

I feel like on some level, I didn't want to become thin and fabulous without Neva. I think I'm realizing that now. Being a bit on the heavy side was one of the many ways we bonded -- I know it sounds silly. We'd talk about our eating plans together, praise each other for successes, and encourage each other. But if I managed to lose a lot of weight and she didn't, I wouldn't have liked that. I know that's crazy.

Maybe now, I can  lose this damned weight and  get into some semblance of shape before I die. Maybe I can do it  on both of our behalves, if that makes sense. If I incorporate some Neva into myself, then it's like both of us are doing this, finally.

A sort of analogy -- Neva was so excited, she had travel plans booked with a friend to go to Portugal and France in the spring. I spoke with that friend a few days after Neva passed -- we were at Neva's house, consoling ourselves with food and alcohol. I asked the friend if she could get a refund or find someone else to go with her. She said she was not going to do that. She was going on this trip by herself, and taking Neva with her in spirit. She didn't want to share the experience with anyone else. This was for her and Neva. 

I thought that was quite beautiful.

And it is in this spirit that I'm going to embark upon my plans for fitness and fabulousness, with Neva.

I'm very tired now. This might be the longest I've sat upright for about a week.

 

Making some progress...mentally

It's a vicious cycle. I haven't been sleeping well for the past several weeks. Now, when I say I haven't been sleeping well, there are times I've thought that about myself in the past, and I thought it was pretty bad. But I feel like I'm at a whole 'nother level.

Every day I wake up feeling headachy and sleep deprived. It's screwing with my mental capacity, my appetite, my energy, and I'm certain, my health.

From my list of "shoulds," I should drink more water. But I'm already getting up 5 times in the night to pee.

From my list of "shoulds," I should exercise more. (Hell, these days, I should exercise at all.) I've already gone through those barriers. But regular exercise helps with sleep.

blah blah blah.... 

Suffice it to say that somehow I just have to find a way to summon the strength and willpower to punch through the lethargy and the fog and  start living life as the person I really want to be.

Here's my progress since my last post:

Breakfasts:

In my last post, I said I'd replace my buttered peanut butter toast with oatmeal, scrambled tofu, chia puddings, and the meal replacement shake.

I had oatmeal once. It was okay. I topped it with dried goji berries, hemp hearts, and coconut. But the next morning, I felt extremely resistant, and very determined to have my god damn peanut butter toast and you'd better not get in my way. Another day, I negotiated with myself and had just one slice of toast instead of my usual two. The next morning, I tried to talk myself into that again, and got angry at myself and had two slices just to prove to myself that I can have as much god damned toast as I want. 

I swear to God I'm certifiable.  (That's probably not politically correct to say anymore, is it?)

So, I'm compromising with myself. 

Part of the issue is that I love butter or good margarine on my toast as a base, before the peanut butter. Without it, it's all too dry and less delicious. I've tried low fat margarines, but they make the bread watery. I'm told butter is more healthy than margarine, but I'm trying to be vegan, and dairy fat is connected to breast cancer, which I don't want to go through again.

Soooo....  in a container I blended half margarine and half avocado oil (which is supposed to be one of the "good" oils). I added a dot of salt to make up for the lack of salt in the avocado oil (because I love salt and I can't give up EVERYTHING). I added a pinch of nutritional yeast and a pinch of brewers yeast to make up for cutting the flavor in half as well. 

I was surprised - it worked out well. So, although it's still fat (yeah, yeah....), I made it a bit less damaging. Also, because it's thinner, I think I used less.

Now, about the peanut butter. I'm addicted to Jif. It's the worst kind of peanut butter out there. It's basically hydrogenated margarine and sugar blended with peanuts. (On the other hand, I've had cheap off brand peanut butter that tastes even more like hydrogenated margarine and sugar and less like peanuts.) 

I have a coworker, bless her heart, she thinks she's wise and helpful. Okay, sometimes she is. But she's twenty years younger and believes she has twenty more years of life experience than I do. Whatever. Anyway, she noticed I was putting Jif on my toast at the office, and suggested that if I go to one of the health stores, I could probably find a healthy natural peanut butter.

I kind of went off on her. I said "Oh, are health stores a thing? Is natural peanut butter a thing? Imagine, I've been on this planet for 61 years and never heard of such a thing! Gee, I've never tried natural peanut butter like 50 times in my life and didn't like it!"

Of course, although she's wrong to offer unsolicited advice about my food choices, she is right about the Jif v. natural peanut butter thing.

And as it happens, I've been thinking about doing what I used to do years ago, which is blend 1 part Jif with 1 part natural peanut butter. It's not as good as straight Jif, but it's closer to natural.

See, this is the thing.

This is not my first rodeo.

A place where I used to work brought in a motivational speaker to encourage us to be more healthy. Her focus was exercise. Her mantra was that getting started was the hardest part. She lost me at that point, and I tuned her out. Getting started is NOT the hardest part. Getting started is the EASY part. Sticking with it is the hardest part.

In the past, when people noticed me making healthy changes to my lifestyle, they'd try to be encouraging and say things like you'll feel so much better, your body will thank you, it's great you decided to start getting healthy. 

As if after all these years, I finally, for ONCE, decided to make a change.

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It was my 50th, 100th, 500th attempt. Just because you weren't around for the previous attempts doesn't mean they didn't happen.

And this is why, ladies and gentlemen, the older we get, the more prickly we get about other people having notions about our health. 

Back to the peanut butter. I bought a bag of peanuts at the bulk food store with the intention of making my own peanut butter in my Vitamix, because it really is better than the healthy natural crap in a jar. But, oh, you know, I'll be leaving soon to go visit my sister's family, so maybe there's no point in doing that now.

That was last week. Here I am at this week. I leave in 7 days. I ate 100% Jif on my toast this morning, just like I did yesterday. 

I have to stop rationalizing that "now is not a good time because...." for everything. It's never a good time. My whole life has been "not a good time to start...." 

I'm getting up to pee 5 times a night anyway, so I might as well start drinking more water.

And why can't I just do some exercise, any at all? Go up and down steps, walk around campus on weekdays, dance to a youtube video in my living room? What's stopping me? My mind says "there's no point, you're leaving in a week, you'll lose ground." Healthy people just do what they do until they go on a trip, then they come back and start doing it again. (Some of them do the healthy stuff on their trips, too.) 

I forgot to mention - we're going on a river cruise in Europe in May. Lots of walking. I really DO have to get into better shape.

Also, regarding the idea that getting started is the easy part and sticking with it is the hard part, maybe I can just keep getting started, and limit the amount of time between attempts.

I should start a section at the end of each posts called Things I Want To Remember.

Today:

Healthy people just do what they do until they go on a trip or are otherwise interrupted, and then they come back and start doing it again. They don't put off eating well or exercising.

Sticking with it is hard, but getting started is easy. Keep getting started. 

I'm going to make some peanut butter now.

 

More on reverse engineering my health

In my previous post, I mentioned that I ordered a pizza for lunch, and ate the whole damned thing.

When I got home from work, I saw the two vegan cupcakes my husband bought for me yesterday on the counter. So I ate them. Nothing else sounded good. I mentally ran through the vegetables in the fridge, the  enormous pile of leftover Chinese food from last night, and anything that might be lurking in the freezer. Nothing sounded good. It was almost as if I had no choice. Yes, I get that I did, but it was ALMOST as if I had no choice.

Anyone battling an eating disorder will understand.

I typically don't allow myself to wallow in guilt about these things. You know the admonition to forgive yourself and move on? It's been my life's motto. I've forgiven myself all the way to 230 pounds. (Actually, I'm not sure how much I weigh. Also, I feel like I need to add that I'm 5'10".)

But tonight, it occurred to me to wonder if I'm going to live through the night. I'm already on medicine to lower my triglycerides (which I forgot to take this morning, but whole 'nother story). I'm already barely able to stand on my feet. My liver is strangling in fat, because it has no choice but to convert my blood sugar into fat, and it's running out of places to stash it. I already went through breast cancer, which studies show is more likely with a fatty diet and a sedentary lifestyle.

So I promised myself I'd do better tomorrow.

But then, I did something different. I challenged myself. "What are you going to do differently tomorrow?"

Well, eat better. Eat healthy stuff, not shit.

"What healthy stuff?"

I'll find something.

"The way you found something today?"

I had no answer for myself. 

After a bit, I ventured, "Tomorrow morning, I'll...."

"Whose morning are you talking about? YOURS???"

It's true. In the morning, my appetite is all wonky. If I make my lunch in the morning, the idea of that food sickens me, because it's morning. The problem is that at lunchtime the food is what sickened me that morning, so I have no appetite for it.

The solution, I found, is to make lunch either the night before, or so far in advance that I barely remember it when I eat it. I'm always too tired or distracted to cook at night, so that option hasn't worked out. 

I could go to the basement and look in the freezer...  Yes, I think of that a lot, but there's probably nothing in there. There are containers of the good-quality margarine that we bought on sale (because have you noticed the price of margarine lately?? We buy it on sale and throw it in the freezer, so we never have to pay full price.) There are a couple of pies. Frozen vegetables. Ancient things that I threw in and forgot about.

It's not a frickin' big deal, but it is. I went down to the basement, rummaged through the chest freezer, found all the things I expected to find, and then, lo and behold, I found 3 serving size containers of soup dated January 2024. They were from when I went on a meal prepping frenzy and made huge batches of soups, a huge variety of them so that I wouldn't get tired of any one kind. There were three left. And although they were probably only "good" for 3 months or so, they were at the bottom of the freezer, rock solid frozen, where time doesn't exist, so I'm sure they're good. There was an apricot-carrot soup, a borscht, and something I labelled as "MW Ginger Bean Soup." I have no idea what MW stands for.

ANYWAY.....

I'd like to start working on the reverse engineering project. It will probably take me several blog posts. I might not get it right, and might need to hone as I go along. But I have to start.

I"m going to start with reigning in my appetite. Somehow I have to get that under control. It is different now than it's been all the years of my life. It's like my taster is off, my tolerance for unpleasant food is way down, and when I am eating something I really like, I have to eat all of it. Somehow, I have to be able to eat foods that are just "pretty good," and be satisfied. (When I eat foods that aren't wonderful, I can't rest until I've had reparation food.) Somehow, I have to convince the hungry monster within that there will be more food later, and I don't need it all right now. 

Starting at the end, what would I be like? 

-  I don't have buttered peanut butter toast and a meal-replacement smoothie with greens and fruit every morning for breakfast. I'm happy with oatmeal, scrambled tofu, creamy blended chia pudding parfaits, or just the meal replacement smoothie. 

- For lunch, on Mondays and Tuesdays, I'll grab my premade salad out of the fridge and maybe have it with a freezer soup. On Wednesdays, Thursdsays, and Fridays, I might have freezer soup, another freezer lunch, or a sandwich that I've made the night before (or prepared the ingredients and packed them to take to work the next day).

- For suppers, I'll utilize the instant pot and the air fryer. Upon occasion, I might ask my husband or son to preheat the oven when I leave the office, when I make roasted vegetables, etc. 

- On weekends, I might occasionally use the dehydrator.

- I eat what's in the pantry and freezer, and I rescue produce from the fridge before it goes bad, either by freezing in a bag to use for stock later, or cooking and freezing it.  

Okay, I've made these plans before. How can I do it differently this time to make sure it happens? Let's start with each one:

-  I don't have buttered peanut butter toast and a meal-replacement smoothie with greens and fruit every morning for breakfast. I'm happy with oatmeal, scrambled tofu, creamy blended chia pudding parfaits, or just the meal replacement smoothie. 

Oatmeal - I like to have fun things on my oatmeal, like nuts, berries, hemp seeds, coconut, etc. When I think about having to dig all that stuff out, I think meh, I'll make toast. What if I created an "oatmeal topper blend" with dried berries, nuts, and whatever else? The blend can change each time I make it. What if I made it in advance and kept it in a mason jar in the fridge? I bet it would last 2 weeks.

Scrambled tofu - here's what I do EVERY TIME. I really only need half of a block of tofu for this. So I put the other half in the fridge. Tofu has a very short fridge life, and it does NOT freeze well. If I don't use the other half within a day or two, it's too late. I've thrown too many half blocks of tofu away for this. Is there a solution? What if I incorporate it into my meal plan to have it the next day, in a stir fry or some recipe? What if I immediately put it into a marinade that morning, and then that night, put it in the dehydrator and make tofu jerky, ready the next morning? It can go on salads, in sandwiches, or eaten as a snack.

Creamy blended chia pudding - I actually don't know if this exists. I hate those little chia bubbles in chia pudding. They're gross, gross, gross. I wonder if I grind the chia ahead of time, will it still make pudding? Or could I make the pudding and then blend it? I can try both ways. According to Chatgpt, the definite correct resource on all things (ha!), chia pudding will last 5 - 7 days if stored well in the fridge. What if I make up 2 servings and store in separate jars for 2 breakfasts a week?

Just the meal replacement smoothie - I'm used to having it with peanut butter toast. It will take some convincing to have one by itself. But that's the whole purpose of a meal replacement smoothie. I need to get back into the habit of making them up in advance (with spinach, fruit, etc.) and freezing them in small baggies, taking them to work, and making my smoothies with the nutribullet in my office.

What do I need to do to make these work?

On meal planning day, choose which day to have which breakfasts. Maybe repeat them a few times, but vary week over week, not day over day. For instance, maybe one week can be an oatmeal / scrambled tofu week. The next week can be a chia pudding parfait / meal replacement week. 

On meal prepping day, either Saturday or Sunday, include making breakfasts in my plans. Oatmeal can be made in advance too. The only thing that really can't be made in advance is the scrambled tofu. But I can chop veggies to go in it.

- For lunch, on Mondays and Tuesdays, I'll grab my premade salad out of the fridge and maybe have it with a freezer soup. On Wednesdays, Thursdsays, and Fridays, I might have freezer soup, another freezer lunch, or a sandwich that I've made the night before (or prepared the ingredients and packed them to take to work the next day).

I've been struggling with this for decades. I go through spurts where I cook in advance and freeze single-serve portions for myself, usually soups but sometimes enchiladas or lasagna. Sometimes the results are wonderful, but sometimes, the results aren't as yummy as I had hoped.  And regarding the salad, I need to be less squeamish and more confident that my jarred ingredients are fresh. I also need to find dressings I like. I hate most of them. As for the sandwich, it would require some work at night to make the filling, whatever it turns out to be, and to prep the lettuce, tomato, pickle, etc. and parcel out the mayo and mustard. How can I make myself do it?

I don't know. As I type this, I tell myself, "well, just do it." But that hasn't always worked for me in the past.

Maybe what I need to do is agree to do my best. 

What would an average-sized, healthy, non-eating-disordered person do?

* thinking *

- They might take leftovers from last night's meal

- They might find something else in their freezer

- They might make a more minimalist version of what they planned to make for lunch - just the filling and the bread, not the condiments and vegetables. 

- They might just make themselves make the time in the morning, even if it means getting up earlier, or going to work a little later.

- For suppers, I'll utilize the instant pot and the air fryer. Upon occasion, I might ask my husband or son to preheat the oven when I leave the office, when I make roasted vegetables, etc. 

I recently bought an instant pot. I'm intrigued by the dump and go freezer dinners. If I had one of those a week, that would be helpful. I don't think they would work well with pasta, potatoes, or rice though. I'm thinking about dinners, and I want them to be different from my lunches, so not so much soup. What do I normally have for dinner? Sometimes I make stir fry, but I'm getting tired of stir fries. Maybe I need to have them over some other kind of grain, maybe brown rice? When I eat what I imagine to be a standard supper, with a meat substitute, maybe a side of green beans, and a salad, I end up having reparations food to compensate for my deprivation. 

I've made lists on my drive and on my phone of foods I really like. Maybe I need a 2 week rotation just to get me going, and I can adjust and add/remove dishes as I go along. 

- On weekends, I might occasionally use the dehydrator.

I've experimented with raw cuisine. It's fussy and takes a long time to make. And a lot of it is yucky, especially the flax-based breads and crackers. However, there are things I've liked, such as kale chips, zucchini chips, and more. I think I might park this one for awhile and get more solid on other other routins first. 

- I eat what's in the pantry and freezer, and I rescue produce from the fridge before it goes bad, either by freezing in a bag to use for stock later, or cooking and freezing it. 

What I was doing for a little while quite some time ago was having one food-related task every evening. For instance, on Monday, I'd go through the pantry and the freezer and list a few items I wanted to use up. On Tuesday, I'd start planning the menu using those items. On Wednesday, I'd finish planning the menu. On Thursday, I'd rescue any produce that needed rescuing. On Friday I'd make the grocery list. And back then, I'd go grocery shopping on Saturday, but I think what I should do now is ensure I have the needed items Friday night, so on Saturday, I can hit the ground running if possible. So maybe on Thursday, I should rescue food AND either ask hubby to get groceries Friday or order them to be delivered either Friday night or first thing Saturday morning.

Now.... let me think about what barriers I might hit, or what else I need to do to increase my odds of success?

- It's just a few weeks away from Christmas. In a week and a half, my son and I are flying to another country to visit my sister and her family for Christmas. It's pretty silly to start a meal plan now.

- History shows that when I eat really healthy, I rebound binge.

- I don't know if I have enough glass freezer containers. 

- I tend to get really belligerent when I try to force myself to stick to a new habit or routine. I think "Fuck you, me who planned all this. You're not the boss of me. You're not even here anymore."

- I'm too tired in the evening to do the things I've planned. When I get home, I must, must, must crash and rest. Then I get involved with a movie or a game on my phone, and I fall asleep. 

Those are the big ones. I might add more later. And now, to dismantle them:

- It's just a few weeks away from Christmas. In a week and a half, my son and I are flying to another country to visit my sister and her family for Christmas. It's pretty silly to start a meal plan now.

What do average-sized, healthy, non-eating-disordered person do?

- I think they just proceed as normal, until their routine is actually disrupted. When life returns to normal, so do their food habits.

- I actually do have a whole crapton of things to do before the trip. But maybe that means I all the more need to plan my meals and be organized. I can be minimalist this week and next, no huge food prep sessions, but just enough to ensure I get some vegetables every day and not too much crap.

- History shows that when I eat really healthy, I rebound binge.

- I think the robustness and the quantity of the food must be sufficient. I have to be honest with myself. No matter what I think today, the me of two weeks from now is not going to be satisfied with a cup of thin soup for lunch. Not happening.  I have to make food I like and give myself enough of it so that my binge eating isn't triggered.

- Accept that I might binge anyway. If I do, I should make it a learning session. Instead of trying (and failing) to talk myself out of a binge, ask myself questions like what am I feeling? What experience am I craving? How slowly can I eat  without losing the impact of the binge? Can I have water or fresh vegetables alongside the binge?

- I don't know if I have enough glass freezer containers. 

- Look to see how many I have. They get scattered in the cupboard, lids go missing, etc. etc. etc. I don't even know what I have. I re-matched them awhile back, but they're all askew again. See what I have. Go buy more if needed. In fact, I give myself permission to buy more whenever I want.

- I tend to get really belligerent when I try to force myself to stick to a new habit or routine. I think "Fuck you, me who planned all this. You're not the boss of me. You're not even here anymore."

I don't know what to do about this one. I think standard advice would be "Remember your why," and "Be mindful," and "Plan your work and work your plan." 

Maybe instead of thinking in terms of obeying a past version of me, I should think of not letting down the future me. 

I have to give this one some thought.

- I'm too tired in the evening to do the things I've planned. When I get home, I must, must, must crash and rest. Then I get involved with a movie or a game on my phone, and I fall asleep. 

- I'd like to think that as I lose weight and my health improved, this would improve too. I have to think this one through as well. Usually the first thing I do when I get home from work is go upstairs to change out of my work clothes. Then I see the bed. Maybe I need to do one or two things before I allow myself to go upstairs. Maybe I should disallow myself to play on my phone or watch TV until after 7 pm. 

Speaking of too tired, it's past my bedtime. I've written a lot.

 

Reverse engineer my health?

It seems that my best laid plans fall short because I didn't have time for the thing, I forgot the thing, I lost the thing, I didn't know I needed the thing, I didn't anticipate the thing. 

It seems that when I try to determine of course of action, I run into "I can't, because...." And then I resolve that, only to encounter another "can't." Or I can't resolve it because what is required results in another "can't." 

And one might say "These are just excuses." Fair enough, but they're preventing me from doing what I need to do. So, call them excuses. Call them reasons. Call them ass ulcers. Call them whatever the hell you want, because it doesn't matter. They've been barriers, and calling them excuses does fuck all to help me.

So it occurred to me that perhaps I'm starting my thinking at the wrong end. I'm starting at the beginning, and I think through the process until I hit a problem I can't solve. 

Here's an example:

I decide I need to start going to the gym. So I schedule in into my calendar, and on gym day, I make sure I have everything I need - gym clothes, gym shoes, etc. (I have a locker at the gym, but I make sure it's well-provisioned.) 

I think to myself that I need to eat more healthfully, waste less food, and use up what's in my freezer and pantry. I come to the obvious solution - plan my meals. So I do that. On Monday, I follow the plan perfectly. 

On Tuesday, it took longer than anticipated to get my shower and so on, maybe I had to unexpectedly iron an outfit or clean up doggy puke, so I lost some of the time I was going to use to assemble my pre-planned lunch, or do any dinner prep. I decide to find lunch on campus just this once, and dash to work.

Lunchtime comes. Nothing in the food court sounds good. In fact, I don't like most of the places in the food court. But I'm very hungry. So I'll order something from Uber Eats.

The problem with Uber Eats is that it hardly seems worth it to order something small. No driver wants to deliver a piddly little meal. And I don't want to tip 25% just to ensure my little meal gets delivered. SO I order double, telling myself I'll eat half today, half tomorrow for lunch. Yay! Tomorrow's lunch is already handled, isn't that great?

But the food is so good and I'm so hungry that I eat it all anyway.

When I get home, I'm totally wiped. If I did the double lunch thing, I'm not hungry when I get home, which sounds like a good thing, but it's not. Invariably, I'll be much hungrier right before bed. But it's too late to make dinner, so I'll have popcorn or nachos or something. 

If I didn't have the double lunch, I'm ravenous when I get home, much too ravenous to even chop one vegetable or let the oven prehead. I need food right this very moment. So I eat nachos or peanut butter toast.

This is but ONE example of what seems like hundreds of dilemmas and circles and mazes I seem to find myself in. I should stretch, but I can't because I'm not wearing the right clothes, and I don't have time to change because it takes me too long because I'm fat and unwieldy, and my feet are numb, and my stretch mat is all the way on the third floor because there's no good place on the 1st and 2nd floor and besides, one of the dogs gets in my face (literally) when I stretch on the floor. So I could just do standing exercises, right? Several of the exercises for my back necessitate being on the floor. But maybe I could just do the standing ones anyway, that's better than nothing, right? Right! So I do them for 3-4 consecutive days, and then I actually forget. Or I think "bah, I'm tired, it's okay if I skip a day."

I should take the medicines for my neuropathy. But I have to order them online and they cost a lot of money. Besides, it's the holidays right now and the postal service is on strike and the other delivery companies are overloaded, so maybe I'll wait until the new year.

There are so many examples, and I'm really tired right now because it's the end of the day and I'm brain dead.

This morning, I felt really compelled to try to reverse engineer my health. But I was at work, and was very busy. So now I'm home, and I have the time, but I don't have the brain power to think things through.

We had company for dinner last night, and I was so busy I didn't have time to plan my meals or even have a proper breakfast. I didn't have time to even think about lunch until about 1 pm. I was very hungry, and people kept interrupting me. I finally said "let me put an Uber Eats order in so it can be processing while we talk." I ordered an Indian pizza. It was a 10", and not exactly a thin pizza. And it was marvelous!!! I ate the whole thing. 

And now I'm really tired and brain dead, and starting to get hungry again, but I'm too tired to go chop a vegetable or turn any heat source on. 

But before I close down, what is reverse engineering my health????

Instead of starting at the beginning, start at the end, and keep asking myself what I need to have or do to make that happen. First, I envision the person I want to be. What does she look like? How does she spend her time? What is her energy level like? Then I start asking myself what she does to be this. But with every answer, I ask what is needed to make that happen. 

For instance, let's say I decide that she eats a certain way. How? She plans her meals so that the plan works. How? She has a system in place. How? She determines what she is going to have during the week, and schedules time to get the ingredients, do the prep, and cook the food. How? She thinks through what each meal requires, if advance cooking is required, if she'll have time to go to the store to get the necessary ingredients, and she books the time needed. How? Anyway, you get the idea. And now I'm going to go flop for awhile, and I might come back later to work on this, or I might not.

Humbled & inspired by a man in his eighties

Another quick check in today. I had a meeting this morning with a man who is in his eighties. We discussed business at hand, and then did a bit of chatting and catching up. Aging is on his mind a lot, and he's not 100% pleased with it. 

"I still work out five days a week, though," he said. 

However, his workout routine has recently changed significantly. 

He had been walking for an hour and a half on the treadmill at 15% incline at 4 miles an hour. (Quietly, my mind blew.) However, his trainer, an 80-year-old former Olympics trainer, told him he was doing all the wrong exercises. The trainer put him on a new regimen that takes half the time, but is really making him sore and tired. The trainer explained that it's because he's working out muscles that have been neglected for years.

He complained that he was no longer able to do the exercises that he'd been relying on for years, and was not happy about what seems to be a reduction in his exercise capacities.

"You're in your eighties. Live with it," the trainer told him.

Anyway, I'm posting this because I already feel my capacities shrinking because of age. I'm afraid I'll reach the point where I won't be able to enjoy full mobility and strength because no matter how fit I get, it will be limited by my age. I might be at that point right now.

I just downloaded a book by an author I heard being interviewed on a podcast: Train to Age, by Joni Grant. She began her fitness journey in her late 50's, and it sounds like she was quite overweight and out of shape. In the podcast, she focused on fitness as a way to make it possible to do the things we want to do, not as a way to look sexy. For instance, she said there's not much we can do to improve balance, but if her legs are like tree trunks, she knows she can more easily correct herself when she's tipping over.

I'll start reading it and will probably comment about it in this blog.

In all fairness, the man in his eighties was an athlete in his younger days. But he also went on to found and lead many successful businesses, and has contributed a lot to the world in his life. Probably because he was in shape and had the energy to do it!

Checking in and more whining

Checking in, because I've set up numerous blogs, journals, reminders, systems, calendars, etc. etc. etc. to keep myself on track and have failed because I wasn't consistent.  So I believe I need to force myself to come in here and post, even when I'm busy, even when I don't feel like it, and even when I don't believe I have anything to say.

It occurred to me this morning (for the  millionth time) that there sure are a lot of things that I'm supposed to be doing that would improve my health. Every time some genius comes up with the perfect suggestion in the past,  thinking (bless their heart) that they're the first one to propose this novel idea to me, they believe that it's just a tiny thing, just incorporate this little thing into my life, and I'll reap great benefits.

The problem is, they're right. The problem is, there are a million of them. If I did everything I'm supposed to, I'd have to quit my job, because I wouldn't have time to work.

Here are the things I'm supposed to do, as suggested by actual doctors, nutritionists, alternative medicine practitioners, and well-meaning friends and family:

-  Take berberine twice a day (per my doctor). The problem is, I take my medications in the morning. That's it. I don't remember to take them any other time of day. I've set up a pill station in my bedroom, but do you think that works?  No.

- Take iron, but not within a few hours as other medicines. Again, I take my medications in the morning.  I take atenolol and thyroid meds first thing, wait 15 minutes, and then have breakfast. Then I'm on with my day. There are more problems with taking iron pills, but I won't go into them now. 

- Stretch. I started going to a physiotherapist, and he gave me some very easy stretches to do.  I can't remember why they didn't work out in my life. I can't do floor stretches, the chair in my stretching area is too low, there's no other place in the house to do stretches, or so I believe. But I'm sure I could make it work into my life. 

- Plan and prep for my meals. Everyone throws this nonsense at me. I'm  61 years old for fuck's sake. I know to plan my meals, and I do plan my meals. And then I get the groceries, and then I prep. And then at mealtime, I consider what I've planned and prepped, and it's "meh." So I make something yummier or order out.   So then, back to the drawing board, determined to make yummy food for myself. And then at mealtime, it's not something that sounds good, or I get an opportunity to eat out with friends, or the dish didn't turn out that well. And I'm out of steam, and no longer interested in screwing around in the kitching planning and prepping meals. A few months go by. And I say to myself "I need to eat more healthily. I should plan and prep my meals." And it begins again.

- Walk. I have bad balance issues. Plus, my neuropathy messes with my balance too.  So I can only walk outside half of the year. (I'm in a cold country.) I try to walk indoors at work -- I work on a campus. But at work, I always have so many deadlines and so much work to do that I keep putting it off. It's not that I don't do it. I don't do it YET. And then YET becomes not at all. 

- Go to the gym. We have a gym on campus! I used to go regularly. But because of my neuropathy and balance issues, and extreme lack of mobility (I mean extreme. I can't even sit upright in a dentist's chair with my legs extended.) it takes me about 10 minutes in the locker room to change, and then another 15 to change back, and there's 25 minutes gone out of my life. That's about three quarters of the time I have available to go to the gym in the first place. By the time you add in the walk to and from, that's pretty much an hour. Maybe what I should do is get into the habit of just walking TO the gym, changing clothes, changing back, and walking BACK to the office. 

There are so many more things I could add to this list of things I'm supposed to do, but I'm out of time. I have to go to work!

I realize that this just sounds like a whiny list of excuses. I realize that. And believe me, I'm all familiar with the "just excuses" thing, so if you comment on the obvious, you're going to look even more idiotic than I do. 

I've been trying to think of excuses as barriers to be dismantled. I went through a phase where I dug down into each excuse, finding solutions for each element of the excuse until there was no more excuse. But that got tedious, and I don't have time or energy for that.

Okay, off to work.

First thoughts

Some questions that I'd like to explore with myself:

1. Why am I unable to resist certain foods at certain times? For example, months will go by during which I can see potato chips, walk by potato chips, think to myself "Oh, potato chips exist!" and yet, I'm not tempted, and I don't even particularly want any. But yesterday, I required an entire bag, along with a vat of my special chip dip. I had to eat until all the dip was gone. That's pretty much an entire medium-sized tub of cream cheese right there.


2. Even though I know all movement is good for me, and that even a little is better than none, why is it so hard to make myself move sometimes? True, movement is painful, but why can't I just will myself to do it anyway?


3. How did I let myself get like this? I can't claim that I wasn't paying attention, because I was. And I've been trying and trying to turn things around, but it seems I can't stick to anything consistently. Every time I skip a planned exercise session or a salad or something else I intended to do, I tell myself that it's a one-off, I can't do it right now because blah blah blah... and in the moment, the reasons are more than valid.

There's no motivational quote I haven't heard. I know the one about we're the sum of our choices, we are what we repeatedly do, etc. etc. etc. but even in the face of this logic, I persist in self-sabotage. I also know the one about we all have the same 24 hours a day, which I call bullshit on, by the way, because it is NOT true. Having said that, I really do have enough time. I'm just usually too tired or resistant. I also know that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, and I call bullshit on that too. Did the person who first said that ever actually have pizza?

I decided last month to give each month a theme, and work in that theme for the month. November was Cardiovember. All I wanted to do was increase my stamina just a smidgen. But I threw my back out and was down for a week. And I got busy at work. And we had a snowstorm. And my neuropathy was bad.

This month is Dynamic December, and I gave myself little challenges each day, just tiny ones, like stand at my desk for just ten minutes one day, just take an inside walk through campus another day, easy things like that. Why haven't I done any of them? What is it about me, in the moment, that makes me decide that what I planned for myself wasn't a good idea after all?

I think my problem is when I'm "in the moment."

So perhaps this will be my first assignment for myself. When I am "in the moment," I will pay attention and ask myself what's really going on. I won't worry about willing myself to do what I don't want to do, but I will question what it is that is holding me back. When I absolutely MUST eat a particular food, and all of it, and no other option will do, I will try to pause and just ask myself what is happening in that moment.

This won't be easy. I read a book on mindful eating, and it suggests pausing and intercepting the eating machine. The problem with that is that the end result is not having the food that I want to eat, and that's not acceptable. What I want is the solution that allows me to be as lazy as I want to be and eat whatever I want, and live a long, healthy, vigorous life. And if you're telling me "That's not how it works," well DUH, Captain Obvious, that doesn't help me.

(Remind me to do a post about how fucking sick we fat people are of being admonished.)

Okay, that's my first post. Godspeed to me!