First thoughts

Some questions that I'd like to explore with myself:

1. Why am I unable to resist certain foods at certain times? For example, months will go by during which I can see potato chips, walk by potato chips, think to myself "Oh, potato chips exist!" and yet, I'm not tempted, and I don't even particularly want any. But yesterday, I required an entire bag, along with a vat of my special chip dip. I had to eat until all the dip was gone. That's pretty much an entire medium-sized tub of cream cheese right there.


2. Even though I know all movement is good for me, and that even a little is better than none, why is it so hard to make myself move sometimes? True, movement is painful, but why can't I just will myself to do it anyway?


3. How did I let myself get like this? I can't claim that I wasn't paying attention, because I was. And I've been trying and trying to turn things around, but it seems I can't stick to anything consistently. Every time I skip a planned exercise session or a salad or something else I intended to do, I tell myself that it's a one-off, I can't do it right now because blah blah blah... and in the moment, the reasons are more than valid.

There's no motivational quote I haven't heard. I know the one about we're the sum of our choices, we are what we repeatedly do, etc. etc. etc. but even in the face of this logic, I persist in self-sabotage. I also know the one about we all have the same 24 hours a day, which I call bullshit on, by the way, because it is NOT true. Having said that, I really do have enough time. I'm just usually too tired or resistant. I also know that nothing tastes as good as thin feels, and I call bullshit on that too. Did the person who first said that ever actually have pizza?

I decided last month to give each month a theme, and work in that theme for the month. November was Cardiovember. All I wanted to do was increase my stamina just a smidgen. But I threw my back out and was down for a week. And I got busy at work. And we had a snowstorm. And my neuropathy was bad.

This month is Dynamic December, and I gave myself little challenges each day, just tiny ones, like stand at my desk for just ten minutes one day, just take an inside walk through campus another day, easy things like that. Why haven't I done any of them? What is it about me, in the moment, that makes me decide that what I planned for myself wasn't a good idea after all?

I think my problem is when I'm "in the moment."

So perhaps this will be my first assignment for myself. When I am "in the moment," I will pay attention and ask myself what's really going on. I won't worry about willing myself to do what I don't want to do, but I will question what it is that is holding me back. When I absolutely MUST eat a particular food, and all of it, and no other option will do, I will try to pause and just ask myself what is happening in that moment.

This won't be easy. I read a book on mindful eating, and it suggests pausing and intercepting the eating machine. The problem with that is that the end result is not having the food that I want to eat, and that's not acceptable. What I want is the solution that allows me to be as lazy as I want to be and eat whatever I want, and live a long, healthy, vigorous life. And if you're telling me "That's not how it works," well DUH, Captain Obvious, that doesn't help me.

(Remind me to do a post about how fucking sick we fat people are of being admonished.)

Okay, that's my first post. Godspeed to me!